loneliness kisses me on the forehead

Charlotte, 31, London

Dear stranger,

It’s not even midnight, and I feel completely empty.

I always thought people felt like this in the early hours of the morning. But it’s only 10pm, and I’m lying in bed, praying for sleep to take over from the thoughts in my head.

I’m not physically alone — I feel the need to say that.
Because when people try to comfort you, that’s the first thing they point out.

And then I feel like I’ve brought this on myself.
Like — why do I feel lonely when my husband is lying right next to me?

I think when you’ve spent your whole life fighting just to get through the day, loneliness starts to follow you around like a best friend.

No… not even that.

It doesn’t feel like an uninvited guest.
It feels like someone who’s always been there.

And maybe that’s what makes it worse —
because I know him so well, I don’t know how to ask him to leave.

So he stays.

Sitting in the corner of my bed.
Walking beside me while I cook in the kitchen.
Standing quietly while laughter fills the room, and I can’t quite bring myself to join in.

And when I feel misunderstood, that’s when he comes closest.

When I feel ignored,
or when the person beside me forgets to respond with softness—

loneliness leans in, kisses me on the forehead,
and says,

“don’t worry, I understand.”